Stuff Then That Would Be Outrageous Today

Originally published on Lance Wandering on 24th April 2013

1970s and early 1980s- Corporal Punishment.

Being hit by teachers was commonplace back then. Even dinner ladies (and I mean the playground variety, not the sour faced old bags pouring custard) could whack kids even though they were usually just someone's mum or granny brought in to keep us in check for an hour a day. Arses were the usual target, followed by hands, wrists or the back of the legs. Rarely was the face or head a strike zone, until we got to Secondary school. Implements I witnessed being utilised were rulers, hockey sticks, trainers, slippers and in one case a pile of hard back books. Retaliating was regarded as an assault and the whole thing could be legally described as "reasonable chastisement". Happy days.

1976/7/8- The Beauty Contest

My school of St. Mary's Roman Catholic Junior in Southam used to hold "beauty contests." This was where girls at the school (aged about 7 to 11) would walk on the stage in the assembly hall in a bikini or leotard, do a twirl, smile and then walk off again. All the while the teachers (90% female) gave them marks on score cards and we would be sat cross legged on the floor bored out of our minds as we were too young to be interested in either girls or a kiddie version of Miss World. The school was paradoxically run by nuns with the awesome Sister Joseph Clare as the Head, who raised the expression "disciplinarian" to new and terrifying heights. She wouldn't allow girls at the school to wear high heels as it damaged their feet BUT allowed this. It shows how innocent that time actually was, as no one considered it even vaguely pervy, it was simply a bit of fun based on a part of our TV culture. Years later I was uncertain if I'd imagined the whole thing but a former teacher of my era confirmed they did happen and her own daughter was in one. Not sure if she won though.

1979- First Kiss

Not long after my 9th birthday I went with my also-9 year old "girlfriend" Lucy Davies down Fishponds Park in Kenilworth after school. We spent about an hour in the bushes near Mr Twisty (a climbing frame) kissing and giggling (can't call it snogging because at 9, the idea of putting my tongue in someone else's gob was completely alien and frankly bleeech!) Just the two of us. No one else. Came home again as it started to get dark.

1980- So THAT'S the reason!!!

When I was still 9 I read James Herbert's "Lair". This is potentially one of the most violent horror books of the 1970s with a priest being eaten alive by mutant rats after falling into a grave, a tramp getting his cock bitten off (by a mutant rat) and two campers being torn apart in a tent (by mutant rats).

I also read "Logan's Run" when I was 10 which is nowhere near as violent as "Lair" but is full of shagging and has the line "he cried out as his seed spurted into the warm depths of her body". It also has a mandatory death penalty at age 21, meaning a brothel has an 11 year old girl in it who is described as "skilled beyond all others."

I think the attempts to wean me off Enid Blyton and Doctor Who novels went a bit electro-shock therapy.

1981- On Ya Bike

When I was 10 I cycled alone (via the A46) from Kenilworth to Welford-on-Avon to see my grandparents. Took me 3.5 hours. I had no water, no puncture repair kit and even then the A46 was a Motorway in all but legal restrictions. That's 19 miles one way. As I recall, we also didn't know if my grandparents were in or not before I set off.

1981- Tactile and a Name Caller

My form teacher at Clinton School, Kenilworth used to sometimes pronounce a pupil in the class as Moron of the Day, in front of everyone else. This was only reserved for severely cretinous behaviour such as getting zero in a Maths test or in one case spending an entire lesson using the text book Word Perfect when we'd been told to read Better English. We would invariably whoop with joy (and relief it wasn't us) and applaud loudly. Same teacher would also pick us up under the armpits and pin us to the black board (which we all thought was ace and quite funny). Teacher was a good bloke and I have nothing but good memories of him BUT imagine trying that shit now?!!

1984- And Sir Was There Too.

Aged 13 and a bit. Went to Lilleshall Hall on a sports week with my fuckcuntwankshit Secondary school, Priory Hall. One of the accompanying adults was not even a teacher, but a postman who played cricket with the Fat Fuck With The Moustache who taught P.E. While showering after a game of football, he walked in and lathered up, bollock naked and chatted about what a good game it had been. No one thought anything of it or considered it odd as it was simply a shower.