How To Argue Like A Cunt

Noone likes to lose a verbal argument so here are a few tips in order to always come out on top, by basically being a cunt.

1. Ignoring

The backbone of Cuntishness in any argument is pretending you didn’t hear what the other person (or people) just said. This means you can carry on lamenting the dishes not being washed, the lawn not being mowed, or how you and your spouse are “totally incompatible” even if they’ve just come up with a humdinger of a conversation stopper that would, if acknowledged, put an end to the discussion once and for all. End of the day, if you concede defeat you will still be angry with no legitimate outlet for that anger. Therefore the best option is to simply turn both deaf ears to anything that successfully contradicts your point. 

E.g.

“I put it back after I used it.”

“I still can’t believe you didn’t put it back!”

2. Taking Things Out Of Context

Another juicy ploy when you are determined to vent your spleen without the bothersome annoyance of actually being proved wrong, is to twist what someone said and take it out of context. This works best on the Arguing Inept who may foolishly say things that can be taken one of several ways. In order to be an Uber Cunt, you should deliberately take the interpretation that works best for you.

E.g.

“Alright! Alright! (usually while holding palms up in a supplicatory gesture).

“IT’S NOT ALRIGHT!”

3. Pretending What They Said Had Hidden Meaning

Only for the seasoned arguer, this is a ploy that only the most Cunty will be able to utilise successfully. When the other person manages to get a word in edgeways you will listen, like a safecracker with a pair of earphones to the door, and then leap rabidly on what they said, purposely assuming they meant more than they did.

E.g.

“You’re not listening to me” (meaning ‘You don’t understand me”).

“YOU’RE RIGHT I’M NOT LISTENING TO YOU (meaning ‘I’m not listening to you arguing with me’)

or:

“I’m not complaining!” (meaning ‘I actually agree with your point’).

“I SHOULD THINK YOU’RE NOT! (meaning ‘How dare you complain!”)

N.B.

This works well if combined with point 1 because if the person then says something that CANNOT be assumed to have hidden meaning (e.g. “I think you’re right!”) you can simply pretend that you didn’t hear it and carry on ranting. Go you!

4. Refusing To Be Interrupted

As used by Cunty politicians and teachers at Secondary school for years. While we all know it’s polite to actually let the person you are screaming at have their say, you will barely pause for breath in your quest for Cuntdom, as you bulldoze your way through a diatribe of personal insults and shouting. For best effect speak super quickly. This then leads neatly into…

5. Going Temporarily Deaf & Gazing Furiously And/ Or Silently Into The Middle Distance

You are determined to get that gold star of a champion Cunt, so you will, after ranting and screaming at someone (for best effect also beat the table/ wall/ back of the sofa with your fist and maybe even cry) you will then become as deaf as a doorpost make no audible sign, nor facial tick to signify that you have heard a word that this person is now trying to say to you. You will also look anywhere except at them with a look of fury painted across your brow (usually look slightly the left or right from where they are).After all, if you don’t acknowledge that you heard them say it, then they can’t prove that they actually said it. God you’re a super Cunt.

6. Disliking Being Anticipated

A spin off of point 5, this is to be used when you START an argument (as most Cunts do) and is where the person you are having a go at makes it quite clear that they know exactly what you are about to say so pre-emptively interrupts you with evidence that proves you wrong. Combined with 1, 4 and 5 this a powerful tool for an aspiring Cunt.

E.g

“That chef at the restaurant you used to work at says…”

“I know what he says and he’s lying!”

(Invoking points 1 and 4) “That chef at the restaurant…”

“I KNOW WHAT HE SAYS AND HE’S LYING!”

(Invoking the Silent part of point 5 for a few seconds until they are sure you have let your guard down, then…) “THATCHEFATTHERESTAURANTYOUUSEDTOWORKATSAYSYOUWEREFIRED!!!”

7. Believing Hearsay

It’s NEVER a good thing in any relationship to believe hearsay over the (sometimes tearful) denials of your nearest and dearest. However those aspiring to an Honours Degree in Being Cunty will believe everything and anything that random people not only said but are SAID TO HAVE SAID. For bonus Cunt points try and make it less of “He said she said” and get as many people in the chain as you can. I am privileged to have witnessed first hand the cuntishness of “She said that she said that he said”.

E.g.

“My friend’s daughter told my friend that her boss told her that you were fired from that restaurant”. 

8. Citing Retaliation As An Unprovoked Attack

A great one to be used to really ramp up the Cunt volume to 11. This is basically a form of bullying as it makes it clear that you sole purpose in ranting abuse at the other person is to merely make yourself feel better, and not out of any real desire to reach a compromise on two opposing viewpoints. 

E.g. 

(After silently taking it for over 15 minutes). “OH FUCK OFF, FOR FUCKS’ SAKE!!!”

“HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!!!”

9. Blaming Them For Having Let You Get Your Own Way

This only works retrospectively and is the nuclear bomb of a Cunty Arguer. It should be saved for those occasions when your back is well and truly to the wall and you have categorically been proved wrong. In order to save face and retain your status as an enormous Cunt you should blame either the person you are arguing with or someone else for having had the temerity to let you get your own way in the first place.

E.g.

“I was waiting for someone to tell me to stop it!”

“Come again?”

“I don’t know if you remember this but there was one time where you said ‘If you’re going to be stupid I’m not going to talk to you any more’ and you walked off and stood in the lounge. Well…that’s what you ALWAYS should have done!”

10. Take Offence At Every Fucking Thing

The Lord High Commander of Cunts will know this one. It’s a last ditch attempt and should only be used by an experienced Cunt. No matter what the other person says, and no matter how ludicrous your objection to it is, you must retain a straight face and look deeply hurt at whatever they said. I have been privileged to witness not one but TWO cunty outburst of this type from an argumentative Cunt who was determined to kick the hornets’ nest.

E.g. 

“How would you know what a kick in the testicles feels like? You’re not a man.”

(With lower lip trembling) “That’s rather insulting! You don’t know what I’ve done in my life!”

or:

“How do you know what it’s like in space, you’ve never been an astronaut!”

“That’s rather insulting isn’t it? You don’t know what I’ve done before you were born!”

So there you have it. 10 Life Hacks on how to argue like a big, fat, colossal Cunt.