How to Have Christmas Like a Cunt

Christmas. A time for family, mulled wine and presents under the tree. But for the discerning cunt, Christmas can be an opportunity to excel in your tomcuntery and  be absolutely unbearable for those around you.

Here are ten ways to be a cunt at Christmas.

1.  Make It Clear You’d Rather Be Doing Something Else

Let’s face it, it’s is a time for family and the whole point of Christmas Day is, theoretically, to welcome members of your clan into your home or to spend time at theirs. Many of us don’t actually like this BUT it’s expected and good etiquette to swallow your pride and put up with Uncle Billy and his homophobia or Cousin Gerald and his propensity for breaking your kids’ toys. However, an aspiring cunt can instead let their relatives know that they are only doing this under sufferance and would much rather be hanging out with other people such as a colleague from work who always throws a really swinging party and knows her cheeses. To put the icing on the cunt you should lapse into sullen silences without explanation and answer in monosyllables when asked questions. Try not to trip over your lower lip when walking.

2. Don’t Fucking Listen

To be a cunt you should regard buying presents as an extreme obligation and everyone should be grateful for the fact that you spend your hard- earned money on them, regardless of how much bad grace and rudeness is involved on your part. If someone tells you several times that they are fine with ANYTHING you get them as long as it’s not X, you should pay not the slightest bit of attention beyond letting the word get into your subconscious so that when you do finally cough up for their Xmas gift, it is the very fucking thing that you were repeatedly and specifically told they didn’t want. A week or so later when they face you with the reality of your cuntishness you will say “Well, it was too late by the time you told me because I’d already bought it” not realising that this was the 7th time they’d mentioned it and, like the cunt you are, you ignored numbers 1 through 6. Which brings us neatly on to…

3. Buy Crap Presents

Unlike birthdays, Christmas is meant to be a time where you revel in showing people how much you love/ like/ tolerate them by giving them a gift. Big or small it’s the thought that counts. However, a cunt should instead use Christmas Day as a time to remind everyone that they control the happiness of those around them. Instead of giving presents that you believe recipients will absolutely love, chosen with care and attention, you should instead wallow in cuntery by deliberately buying absolute shite that you know will piss people off. This could include saying “I haven’t had time to buy you a present, I’ll have to give you a cheque instead” and then spending five minutes to-ing and fro-ing about how much the cheque should be for. Once you have arrived at a mutually acceptable figure (after repeatedly insisting that they tell you how much they want and then saying “Hah! I can’t afford THAT much!”) you should then put on your cunt jacket by making the cheque out for less than that amount on Christmas Day. Another way to excel in Yuletide cuntery is to not wrap presents up (because you “haven’t had time”); forget to take the price tag off; or go for imitation garbage instead of the name brand stuff (e.g. Building Blocks instead of Lego). You should also expect to be thanked with enthusiasm and gratitude that appear not in the least bit faked if you really want to take your cunt factor into the next dimension.

4.    Buy No Present

This isn’t for the faint-hearted cunt. Leaving someone without a gift on Xmas Day is about as cunty as you can get. However, a Supreme Leader of Cunts will use the festive period to remind people that not only do they control the happiness (see point 2) but also the very fabric of their existence. There should nearly always be an explanation for it, no matter how tenuous or forced, to justify this attempt to be Genghis Khunt. Examples include “you had your bicycle for birthday AND Christmas so that’s why you’ve got nothing for Christmas” or “your father got her something from both of us”. To take it to cunt factor 5 you should watch the person in question like a hawk, waiting for any sign that they are displeased with this situation and then say “it’s alright you sulking” when they look even remotely downcast, without establishing why exactly they are looking unhappy. To get the gold medal of cuntery you should also wait until the person in question opens a present from someone you both know and then say loudly “that’s NOT from me, that’s from X. I said they shouldn’t buy you anything as you’ve had quite enough already this year but they did anyway so that’s not from me it’s from X”.
God you’re a cunt!

5. Get Drunk and Insult Everyone

Most people like a tipple on Xmas Day. A glass of eggnog or sherry is always appreciated as you settle in with your relatives and wait for the turkey to cook. However, a trainee cunt should instead use alcohol as a pathway to being as verbally abusive as possible to those around them. This includes swearing without reason or justification (e.g. “Where’s the fucking turkey?”); farting loudly (and then glaring at everyone, daring them to say anything); making inappropriate and squirm-inducing sexual remarks about actors on the TV (e.g. “Wouldn’t mind a bit of Mel Gibson’s cock!”) and putting down those closest to you and defending your behaviour with playground level excuses (e.g. “I have a go at him because he’s stupid”). To really buy a holiday villa in Cunt Town you should also take furious objection to anyone else behaving even remotely like you and storm off if people try to retaliate to your behaviour. Examples include being pissed as a fart on Xmas Eve and crying in front of the telly while repeatedly telling your family that they can “all just sod off” and then storming off during the Opening of the Presents on Christmas Day because someone else was drunk and giggling loudly. You should also theatrically stand up, stand still and then stomp slowly out the room if those people you’ve been insulting for the last hour respond in kind and insult you in back, after they were taking it with quiet dignity for the previous 60 minutes. For that Honours degree in Cuntistry you should also then start crying about how you’re being “picked on”.

6.      Leave Elderly/ Sick/ Single Relatives to Fend for Themselves

Christmas is again for family, be it biological or extended. But to really make it clear that you are a cunt who doesn’t give a flying fuck, you should try and exclude all people that you absolutely don’t have to have over. This could include your widowed mother-in-law or a relative who has recently broken up with a lover and will be spending the Yuletide period alone. To really get in the Guinness Book of World Cunts you should exclude people who you used to really enjoy having over for Christmas, solely because their usefulness is now at an end due to being elderly, sick or both. To justify your cuntishness you could say “We always take him/ her for Christmas, why don’t one of his/ her other relatives offer to take him/ her?” If you are not yet ready to wield the darksword of a warrior cunt you should take the less cunty option of  inviting them over, but then stick them in the corner and ignore them for the entire day, communicating with them solely through other family members. If you have relatives who have nothing to do over Xmas due to being single or working odd hours, you should decide to fuck off on a holiday abroad for the Yule period effectively leaving them stranded and alone for the 25th. To amp the cunt volume up to 11, you should make a courtesy call two weeks prior to say “We’re going away this Christmas, is that alright?” knowing that the words “No, I want you to stick around so I’ll have something to do” are not ones you will hear. Enjoy that cruise/ villa/ skiing break you uber cunt you.

7.      Lie About Why You’re Being Selfish

This one only really works if you have kids who are still old enough to rely on you for their Christmas presents but have already been told that Santa Claus isn’t real. For example maybe you spend the first 14 Christmases of your offspring’s life waiting until they fall asleep and then put the presents in pillow cases in their bedroom, and then get up at 3am to watch their little faces light up with joy as they open them. To be an utter and total Grand Moff of cunts you should one year, without warning, NOT do this and when your confused children arrive in your bedroom at 6am to find out where their presents are, you will have them at the foot of your bed. When asked why you’ve done this you will say, with a straight face, that “part of the pleasure of giving presents is seeing other people’s faces when they open them, so you’re being selfish wanting to open your presents alone and not letting us see you do it”. Your teenage children will begrudgingly accept this excuse but to take that one way ticket to Cuntsville you will get tipsy a week later and tell your friends, in front of your kids, that the reason you did it was because you object to being woken up every 25th of December at half past twat in the morning and this year you were determined to get a full night’s sleep. To get your cunt epaulettes you should also fly into a tantrum if one of your kids calls you on this behaviour and points out that you lied. Retorts could range from “you don’t know HOW hard I work in my job!” or “some children’s parents don’t buy them presents, some children’s parents spend all their money in the pub!”

8.      Control the TV Like It’s the Holy Grail

Less common nowadays, due to the proliferation of tablets, smart phones and even multiple TVs this one still works, especially if you have a 4K or 8K telly. While most people will be happy to go with the flow and watch whatever, you will insist on watching the Eastenders Christmas special (even though you only watch the main show sporadically at best) and make it clear that if everyone doesn’t respect your right to choose what YOU watch on YOUR telly in YOUR house, then they can all just “sod off”. If the joys of 8K would be best illustrated watching the Ultra HD version of The Matrix you will instead want to watch anything other than that, even if it’s the Queen’s speech, which you are usually known to actively avoid. Whenever other people DO get their own way, you should talk constantly throughout whatever the programme is and give away spoilers if it’s something you’ve seen before. BBC. Best Be a Cunt.

9.      Play Board Games Like a 7 Year-Old

Board games are, let’s face it, a part of the Christmas period. From Monopoly to Trivial Pursuit to Scrabble to Cluedo. Sometimes it can be boring but it’s a bit of fun for all and a chance to show off a bit. If you are an apprentice cunt however, you should instead use playing games as a justification to piss on everyone else’s fun. This could include walking off in a huff if you repeatedly get questions wrong; refusing to continue if Monopoly takes too long because “there’s that thing I want to watch, on now” or trying to cheat but going ballistic if anyone else gets caught doing that. I was privileged to witness one very special cunt insisting that ‘oust’ was a word in Scrabble, and getting the dictionary out to prove it, only to have an utter cunthuff when the next player put a ‘j’ in front of it and got Triple Word Score.

10. Do Not Tolerate Any of Points 1 to 9 for Yourself

If you really wish to be the Pope of cunts then you should follow points 1 to 9 religiously, but fly into an absolute warp frenzy if anyone tries the same tactics on you. This could include verbalising that you don’t like a present (right after opening it); exploding if anyone ruins a film/ TV show you haven’t seen yet; taking umbrage at being spoken to rudely; or conveniently forgetting your own cuntishness whenever anyone else acts up, even if it’s a pale reflection of how you’ve been behaving. To pass your cunt test with flying colours you should also lament the time, a long time ago, when someone treated you badly at Xmas, even though it’s apparently not as bad as how you’ve been behaving.

So there you have it. How to be a cunt with all the trimmings at Christmas.