Unconditional

 

A long time ago I fell in love with you and, for reasons long discussed and dissected, I couldn’t tell you until it was far too late.

Falling in love with you wasn’t something I did on purpose. I didn’t want to but it happened. Like Cupid’s arrow, or a thunderbolt, or Romeo seeing Juliet for the first time, something just took over my entire being.

I tried so hard not to feel this way towards you but nothing I did worked. Silence, aloofness and trying to simply “get a life” made no fucking difference whatsoever. Even not speaking to you for nearly 9 years didn’t douse the flames.

Every day I think about you at least once. I still dream about you and not all of those dreams are erotic. Some are where we meet and talk and I can feel your energy as if you are really there with me.

All my life I’ve dealt with paranoia and the kind of anxiety that should be bottled and used in chemical warfare. My feelings for you helped me through some of the worst depressions I’ve ever experienced. Thinking about you simply made me feel good. Imagining your smile and your scent and your laugh made everything just a little bit better.

I will never deliberately do anything to hurt you or those you care about. I love you unconditionally and for many years my greatest fear was that you hated me. That would have broken my heart but even if you had, I would have still loved you anyway.

I don’t know why I love you so much. I’ve tried to analyse it but I don’t get answers. Nothing about my love for you is explicable but these feelings exist anyway. I don’t want them to go and knowing you are living a life that doesn’t involve me is painful but not knowing you at all would be infinitely worse.

The situation now is that you are ill. Sick. Poorly. Unwell.

But this has happened right in the middle of the fucking Covid-19 outbreak and as I write this, we don’t know why you are sick, you are waiting to find out what is wrong with you.

Life is short so I’ll say this....

I still love you but I’m aware that there are boundaries.

I love you unconditionally.

For what we shared and left behind there is a light that will never die.

I will always love you.

My world is a much better place knowing that you are in it...somewhere.