Phobophobia

Jogging used to be a passion of mine. Back in the halcyon days of my late teens and twenties I could comfortably run for an hour and come back sweaty but not out of breath. Then in my 30s I snapped a ligament in my left knee and couldn’t run without intense pain until it was stitched up 12 years later.

Recently I began running “properly” again and because I live in Rome, I can use the wonderful Aqueduct Park; 2000 years old and the 26km-ish ruins of how Ancient Rome got its fresh water. 

I started at 5km (I used to use miles as they are proper measurements but when in Rome!) and did two runs for that distance over a period of about 4 days, then a couple of days off and 6km etc...aiming to cap it off at 12km.

Today was the first time in the 4 weeks  I’ve been doing this that I didn’t limp in at a painful shuffle and come home aching. My body had finally adapted to the change in physical routine and while I didn’t go the 10km I’d been planning to and crapped out at 6km, I came in at 44 minutes. Thirteen minutes better than the last time I finished at that distance.

I also remembered that jogging is a great form of meditation and I had a real doozy of a breakthrough while thudding along next to two millenia old masonry in my Reeboks.

I have lived my life overthinking and fearful. I had a relatively shit childhood where I felt isolated and lonely for most of it. Retrospectively, a lot of this was exaggerated in my own mind but today I realised that the majority of my fear wasn’t based on the potential consequences of my deeds, thoughts or words but instead on how I might feel afterwards.

I read years ago about Phobophobics- people who are afraid of being frightened. To sum it up, they are not afraid of the sound of a barking dog. They are however afraid of the sensation of surprise, shock and unpleasantness that MIGHT result if they are caught off guard by a dog barking when they aren’t expecting it.

For me fear has been an unwanted companion for decades. It has held me back from telling the woman I loved just how I felt about her for nearly 9 years (it’s been over a year since we chatted, if you’re reading this feel free to say hi!). It has kept me single and miserable because I didn’t go out for a dinner with friends when invited because I chose to stay alone. And it has caused me to avoid seeking out what I most want in life for fear of disappointment. 

My all time fave movie is Mad Max 2, which I saw for the first time on my 13th birthday. The main character played by Mel Gibson is a cynical drifter. After the events of Max 1 where his family and best friends are brutally killed by criminals, he takes his revenge but becomes callous and selfish in the sequel. Neither good nor bad he is only out for himself and the pain he is hiding becomes apparent very briefly when  another character calls him out for his attitude, only to get punched in the face by a clearly angry and emotionally fragile Max.

The character appealed to me on so many levels but it was mainly because he wasn’t a baddie, he just didn’t want human contact more than absolutely necessary. I used to think that this aspect was why I liked him but I think now that it was also due to a glimpse into a world of being in so much pain and misery that you just shut down emotionally and spiritually. A genuinely kind and caring man (albeit a cop) in part 1, Max was devoid of compassion in part 2 and I realise now that I have always been desperately afraid of getting hurt more than I could tolerate.

I used to train in the Israeli self defence system of Krav Maga and took a course to become an instructor back in 2017. The course was 24 days, in two chunks of 12. After part 1 I knew I was unlikely to pass number 2 but went back anyway, failing the final test but proud of myself for seeing it through. Problem was that I nearly didn’t go back at all, being 95% certain that I wouldn’t do it until a conversation with a good friend persuaded me that it was only fear and self doubt holding me back. Mainly the fear of how I’d feel if I failed. As it was, all I felt was slightly sad and a little jealous of the guys who’d passed, as they pulled on their Instructor t-shirts and posed for photos with our examiner. My actual feelings were in no way, shape or form as bad as I’d imagined they would be.

My phobophobia was something that I never knew I had until today. I was never afraid of the situations that I thought I was. I was however, terrified of how I’d feel if things didn’t go my way or ended badly.

It has always and forever been a phobia of my own emotions that has held me back.

I host travellers at my flat, via the app Couchsurfing, and at the start of doing this back in 2019 I would hide my “Babes” calendar (sexy photos of women in bikinis) in case it offended my female guests. One day a lady surfer saw it and said “There’s nothing wrong with that. It isn’t porn and it’s your life. Don’t be ashamed of it” and I put it back. It’s remained on the wall ever since and in 4 years no one has ever remarked on it. I now realise it wasn’t my fear of offending anyone that got me to slide it on top of the wardrobe but a terror of how I might feel if labelled a perv.

Twice a year there is a comic & film convention in Rome. It’s always fun and I always go. But if it isn’t raining I will cycle the 40 mile round trip rather than take the train. Reason? I was afraid of how I might feel if I got into an argument with a ticket inspector. NOT that I was afraid of having a row with one (that I even looked forward to) but I was shit-scared of what I would experience emotionally during and after such a confrontation.

I never knew that it wasn’t the actions, inactions and situations in my life that scared me but instead the utter, paralysing terror of how I would hypothetically react.

I feel a lot lighter today and this is solely due to this (admittedly very slight) realignment. 

Like going to the opticians when they rotate the lens in the machine and everything becomes just a little bit clearer I can now see that my paranoia and anxiety were based not on the consequences I might face but the feelings that just might have accompanied them.