Dinner With Lance Bass

 

One guy I have always admired is Lance Bass from N’Sync.

I follow him on Instagram and admire the 40-something man he is now, way more than the “shy one at the back” when he was in N’Sync back in the 90s and early 2000’s.

He’s self confident, flamboyant, self-aware, generous and also openly and unashamedly G.A.Y.

He came out in 2006 after hiding his sexuality for years and is now blissfully married to husband Michael Turchin and they have twin children, via a surrogate mother. Apparently their parental titles are Dada and Bada.

There has always been something intriguing to me about Lance, way more than the other members of the band he was in. He was quiet, sometimes silent, when the band were interviewed and despite being a phenomenal dancer (eventually) and singer, with an energy to rival a Royal Marines Commando, he was hardly someone who commanded attention when he entered a room. Retrospectively, he seemed to me to be insecure and even a little anxious.

If you see him now, he’s VERY different. Outspoken and super-charismatic with fashion choices that would look like cosplay on me but suit him without a doubt. I follow him on social media because he has qualities I admire...and some that I envy.

Last night I had a very weird dream that I was at his house and there was a dinner party that I had been invited to. I was helping with stuff and talking to him and Michael while we got the table and food ready. What struck me in this dream was the juxtaposition of  how calm and “comfortable in their own skin” they were compared to my nervous energy. They chatted to me, got me to help them lay a huge tablecloth for the food (the table was huge!) but made no extra effort to assure me everything was OK and seemed totally in control of everything that was going on. They were peaceful, unstressed and quietly looking forward to the rest of the day while being present in the moment. And what I could feel more than anything was the counter-balance of my own worries, anxieties and fears next to their tranquillity. They then went into another room leaving me to entertain myself and later chatted to me again but, as the dinner guests arrived, they made no attempt to prioritise one person over another, they were just happy to be there and to welcome everyone with equal friendly gestures and words of gratitude for coming.

Analysing this dream now, it’s about the way I perceive Lance (I’ve never met him and doubt I ever will) compared to how I view my own social skills. In this dream I was constantly nervous, anxious and even scared. Terrified of saying the wrong thing or being perceived as lazy or of offending someone through action or inaction. Lance and Michael were at peace with EVERYTHING going on; introducing their kids to people and generally not raising their pulses over anything.

As I grew up I was scared in social situations. I still now get anxiety tremors where I’m with large groups of people. It’s something I was always told was my fault, without being offered advice on any remedies to alleviate this lack of charisma. Big family gatherings were like walking on fucking eggshells, where no matter how good I thought I had been, there would always be at least one thing that I had said or done that would damn me to the deepest hell of Jane Austen’s blacklisted dinner guests.

I could feel, in this dream, the old fears and ticks that used to follow me around like a Tron lightcycle exhaust wall. Nervous of sparking up a conversation with anyone I didn’t know. Not knowing what was “safe” to talk about. Fear of meeting people I couldn’t stand but then being saddled with them for ages. Fear that when people were talking amongst themselves they were either talking about me or ignoring me.

This dream was my sub-conscious trying to compare how I interact (albeit in an exaggerated manner) to how I think someone with 100% self-confidence and charm does it.

I believe that in real life, dinner with Lance Bass and Michael would be  a fine experience but I’m glad that part of me was able to compare how I think they are with how I KNOW I am.

By the way Lance, the lasagne was delicious.