Commit

Since I did the Tony Robbins online course Ultimate Breakthrough, back in February 2022 I’ve resolved some shit.

In the last 2 months I’ve moved on with my life.

Something I didn’t know however, was that I have massive commitment issues and it only became apparent last week.

Every day there is what we call a Mastermind meeting on Zoom. Most of the people who attend are Tony Robbins alumni and we talk, do some meditative priming and help each other. I really like this group and the people who regularly attend, with quite a few characters in there, plus some who have really begun to transform their lives since a lady called Jenny started the daily sessions.

99% of the attendees are in the USA or Canada with me being the only European so far. For them it’s half past bastard in the morning when we do this and at the start we just chat, then there is about 3 minutes of stretching followed by some sharing and then a Tony Robbins “priming” exercise to kickstart the day.

Thing is….apart from the very early sessions, I didn’t do either the priming or the stretching. I would mute my mic (an expected courtesy) and turn off my video (a voluntary etiquette). Then I would fuck off into the kitchen or tidy the flat a bit, or read my phone, only tuning back into the Zoom meeting once the session was over.

I finally fessed up to this at a meeting this week and realised that…

It wasn’t laziness (which I’d told myself) but fear of commitment.

Since I was a child I’ve felt let down, betrayed and hurt by those I was supposed to call friends, role models, teachers or even friends. Without being melodramatic, my trust issues are well and truly kicked out the park. I was unable to form “best friends” attachments from the age of 4. I was unable to fight back from around the same age. I grew up fearful of getting too “into” something because it would hurt me.

The only positive of this loneliness-inducing trait was that, when bad things did sometimes happen, I was mentally and spiritually prepared and could move past them relatively easy.

3 years ago I thought I’d fallen in love again. We had a whirlwind romance and spent 3 days in bed. A week after she went home she stopped calling me. Thing was, this wasn’t the first, second or even third time this had happened to me so after a few days of feeling down I shrugged it off and moved on. I didn’t take it personally and maked it down to experience (again).

My life for the last 10 years has been a patchwork of avoiding getting too involved in ANYTHING for fear of losing it. My job, my hobbies, my TV shows….the daily Zoom meeting. I couldn’t commit because, on a sub-conscious level I was wary of forming bonds that I might need to break.

Today I did the stretching with the others and also the priming and I got a lot out of both.

Now I feel less fearful of bonding.