God's Gift

Sometimes it’s very small things that can make you stop, think and even reevaluate. For me, today, it was the realisation that, at the age of 51, I’ve never brought children into this world because I was terrified of seeing them get hurt or even dying in front of me.

Since I was 24 I’ve worked with children in some capacity. Be it an English teacher, a self defence instructor or a summer camp leader...I’ve spent the last 27 years working with kids aged 5 to about 17 and loving it. But there was always that disconnection that allowed me to stay back.

To elaborate…

I love children and enjoy working with them. It is very rewarding and while it can be hard work it’s a real pleasure to be able to make a positive difference to a young person’s life. However I’ve always done this in an “uncle” capacity, meaning that I was able to hand them back at the end of the day/ week/ summer and they were no longer mine. As much as I may have had a connection and created a bond, there was no long term commitment and I was able to walk away without feeling too sad for more than a day or so when term finished.

I have begun questioning, in the past couple of months, exactly why, at 9 years shy of sixty, that I have never had kids of my own. And the answer hit me today at 18.54 on the Via Appia Nuova in Rome when I was on my bicycle (I stopped and checked my watch and where I was when I realised the breakthrough I’d just had).

I was scared of watching them get hurt and being powerless to stop it.

I had a shit childhood. Loneliness, frustration and fear were the top three shit things I remember from it. I found it hard to make friends (this story explains why) and I was bullied badly as I grew up. Thing was, I was shit at fighting (THIS story explains why) and it’s only recently that I have been able to acknowledge the elaborate support network that I weaved in my head in order to cope. I isolated myself and while I craved attention and friendship I believed fundamentally I’d never get them so opted to simply stay on the edges and hope that people would notice me sometimes. I never enjoyed isolation and it never felt right (although, as Charles Bukowski said, it sometimes feels good) but it was survivable and preferable to courting disappointment and pain.

I have always seen the world as scary and imposing and while I knew that, to some extent this was a false perspective, there was a big part of me that believed most of that was true.

I’m a strong believer in “what you give out you get back” and for me the feelings of fear and loneliness meant that I made a sub-conscious, almost spiritual decision to cut myself off from running the risk of creating new life in this world and then watching it get hurt.

The thoughts that led to this have been rattling around in my head for a while but the final catalyst was an online meeting yesterday where one participant (a guy I have got to know quite well due to our daily group meetings) had his 3 year old daughter hanging onto his back while he was talking to us. It was cute and funny and distracting and I thought just how gorgeous his daughter was and then it finally dawned on me that this constant “uncle syndrome” that I have grown into was a survival mechanism.

I didn’t want to to bring kids into the world in case they became as powerless as I had felt but at the same time I had some joy in my life from the children I saw through friends or work. For the first time I wondered what it would be like to have a little girl like his for my own child and then the next thought was the self sabotage of the little voices whispering “but what if she or he gets hurt or killed or just simply vanishes?”

It would, ultimately be too great a pain to ever bear.

On Mondays I teach two kids who have a 4-year old sister. She’s always pleased to see me and takes a run up to give me a hug. I used to call her Godzilla until she told me off for doing it.

On Tuesdays I teach two little girls aged 9 and 10. I’ve taught them for 3 years and they are now making a lot of progress in their lessons. They are a lot of fun to teach and although the lessons are always online, when I do see them in person they are happy to see me.

On Wednesdays I teach two brothers and a sister in three classes that include friends of theirs. The lessons are at their house and the 6 year old is super naughty but a clever kid and I can’t help but crack up when I’m trying to be serious with her. Yesterday she told on me to her brother for saying a photo of a pig looked like him, adding “he is a lion”.

After that class I go to a boy across the road who is very shy but is learning English rapidly and has a very energetic little brother who always wants to show me whatever new toy he has to play with.

On Thursdays I teach two friends aged 9 who argue over what games we should play and also over who gets to partner me in the Memory game.

On Friday I teach an 8 year old girl whose sister, aged 4, is allowed to join in for the final half hour of games. We time how long it takes her to get downstairs once I shout for her and the record so far is 17 seconds.

And finally, on Saturday I teach a brother and sister who are Harry Potter fanatics and who love to play word games.

I basically have kids in my life 6 days a week and while I like teaching them and the times are special, there is always that wonderful luxury of not having to get too attached in case they go away.

When Covid started I quickly lost all my contracted work and the classes I had at school. I will probably never see the children I taught 2 years ago unless it’s when they are shopping with their parents and, as sad as that was, it was not a big deal. The disconnection that I had placed in my interactions with not just them but nearly everyone in my life, meant I could move on VERY quickly.

Feeling powerless and in pain for much of my childhood, and not being able to handle myself at all physically, I created, without even really realising it, a safety net where I could simply stay away from suffering by not getting too involved.

I have often entertained the idea of being a dad but was never able to focus too much on the concept as my mind would skitter over the topic, unable to lock on and I didn’t know why. I had created a separation safety zone without even realising it where I had basically told the universe that I never wanted children of my own in case they were in the pain I believed I had experienced. This was so deep down within me that I didn’t even know and here’s the clincher. Because a major part of me still wanted to have kids and loved children, the universe listened to the conflicting messages I was sending and gave me god’s gift; contact nearly every day but without long-term commitment. I’m simply a funny teacher/ uncle figure who they love to see but probably forget about pretty quickly once I walk out the door again. And I can, if I need to, forget them because I believed on a massively spiritual level that to have a child would possibly cause me more pain than I could bear, if they were to suffer.

Feeling powerless sucks and that’s exactly what I felt growing up. I had no desire to inflict that on anyone else so built a shell around myself. Now I can see it for what it is and what it was. It protected me from harm but also made me yearn for something that I never really knew I was missing until today.

I want to have children of my own and I know I’d be a great father.

Maybe I had to wait this long so I’d be ready.

But now I am.