The Switch

A friend of mine has an almost uncanny ability to suss people out on a first meeting. Like the instinct that some children and nearly all dogs or cats have, my pal is attuned to the vibes that people give off and can, almost instantly, form an opinion of whether someone is a wrong ‘un.

This was something I both envied and scoffed at in the past because he would sometimes base this gut feeling on nothing more than a handshake. Other times he would form the opinions when he was completely drunk. However, he was usually right about the people he was passing judgment on. 

If he thought they were OK then they usually were, if he thought they were a cunt then that was probably true as well.

As I moved through life I always thought I had never had this gift. However I think we are all given it, we just learn, either subconsciously or deliberately to suppress it.

I grew up being told that my observations of people who I didn't like were probably wrong, especially if the person in question was liked by one or more authority figures in my life. E.g. a rather repulsive girl (character as opposed to looks) that was the daughter of my mother's friend & colleague was a right little cunt but I was told that she was lovely and I should aspire to get in her good books. I couldn't fucking stand her and the feelings were mutual but I was told that her perception of me was valid whereas mine was false and driven by shallow opinions. To this day I hope she dies in a mattress fire.

Similarly, people that I wouldn't piss on if they caught fire were just dandy, provided someone I relied on for guidance thought they were OK.

My ability to judge others by gut instinct was always there, but it slowly got worn down by constant contradiction and the desire to make friends.

Growing up lonely (and we're talking FUCKING lonely) here I somehow managed to switch off my cunt radar, solely because it widened the circle of people that I could socialise with. If you are told every instinct you have is wrong about people and you are bereft of mates, you will adapt by ignoring or accepting someone else's flaws and believe that any negative behaviour they exhibit is imagined on your part, or brought about by your own negative attitude that they are picking up on.

I have made so many bad choices in my life with regard to friendships. I always put it down to my own inability to see people's flaws but the truth was I had simply switched of my ability to react on instinct to behaviour I found unlikeable in others.

A very basic human instinct is to avoid people who hurt us or make us feel uncomfortable. If you grow up being told that it is your fault that people hurt you then you start to blank out the alarms being sent to you when you meet people you are incompatible with. You believe that it is only that which is lacking in your own soul that forces a false perspective on them.

Today, while meditating, I saw that a vast number of my bad decisions have been based upon the fact that I had turned off the switch that allowed me to see people as what they really are, the skill that my friend still possesses, no matter how shit faced drunk he might be. Solitude was never something I truly enjoyed for long periods and by naively believing everyone would be nice to me if I only tried hard enough, my psyche was trying to make my life just that little bit less lonely and sad.

Today I mentally threw the switch again and I remember the visualistion of a dusty, old knob that threw bright lights into a long disused and neglected room. The energy this took from me actually made me gasp in fear. I realised then that I had become partially numb, not letting myself look too deep at others, in case I saw something I didn't want to see. By forever only looking at shallow traits, I could rarely get close to people but conversely, I could socialise more on a superficial level.

We all need the switch.